1. LaserDisc Players: Big Hopes, Bigger Discs
Everyone thought LaserDiscs would be the next VHS killer. They promised crystal-clear video quality and futuristic tech. But while the picture might’ve been sharper, the discs themselves were comically large, about the size of vinyl records. And you needed to flip them halfway through a movie. As cool as they looked in your living room, most people didn’t want a player the size of a microwave. “It was too expensive and too bulky,” said Wired, summing up its downfall. In the end, it was a short-lived brag for early adopters who had more shelf space than sense.
2. Omnibot: The Robot Pet That Didn’t Quite Get Us
Before we had Alexa or Roombas, we had Omnibot, a plastic buddy on wheels that beeped, blinked, and followed preset commands. It felt like a glimpse into a Jetsons-style future where robots would keep us company. But Omnibot was more show than substance. It couldn’t actually interact beyond what you’d pre-record. TechCrunch once called it “a glorified tape recorder on wheels.” Still, many of us treated it like a pet or sibling, assigning it chores or trying to chat with it. The dream was there, even if the circuits weren’t.
3. DeLorean DMC-12: A Time Machine Without the Time
When you saw that silver DeLorean with its gull-wing doors, it felt like a car from another planet. The Back to the Future franchise only added fuel to the fantasy. But in real life, the DeLorean DMC-12 had reliability issues, underwhelming performance, and an infamous scandal tied to its founder. “It looked fast but drove slow,” quipped Jalopnik. People wanted the car of tomorrow, but the company collapsed in less than a decade. Still, seeing one today feels like spotting a unicorn with a flux capacitor.
4. The Clapper: Clap On, Chaos Ensues
Imagine turning your lights on and off with just a clap. Genius, right? That’s what The Clapper sold us on. The ads were unforgettable: “Clap on! Clap off!” But in reality, the Clapper often mistook coughs, laughter, or the TV for commands. Your lights would flash during arguments or sitcom reruns. “It was either too sensitive or not enough,” said a Reddit user. Still, it made you feel like you had a smart home before the term existed. For better or worse, The Clapper turned noise into novelty.
5. Casio Calculator Watch: Wrist-Worn Brilliance
There was something wildly empowering about having a calculator on your wrist. Casio’s calculator watches made math feel cool, even stylish. You could do equations during class or tally your snacks bill on the go. “It was the smartwatch of its time,” noted The Verge. But once smartphones arrived, this mini-math marvel became obsolete overnight. Still, for a while, you were the smartest kid in the room if you had one and you probably still remember how tiny those buttons were.
6. Sony Watchman: Tiny TV, Big Disappointment
Carrying a TV in your pocket sounded revolutionary in the ’80s. Enter the Sony Watchman, a portable television that made you feel like a spy with exclusive access to the news. The problem? Terrible reception, tinny sound, and screens so small you squinted through every scene. “More novelty than necessity,” wrote Popular Mechanics. But even with the fuzz, it felt like a taste of the future, proof that someday we really would carry entertainment everywhere. Just not yet.
7. Reebok Pumps: Inflate Your Game (Or Ego)
Every ’80s kid wanted Reebok Pumps. You’d press the tongue to inflate the shoes, supposedly giving you a performance edge on the court. Athletes wore them. Commercials hyped them. You felt like you could jump higher just by pressing that little ball. In truth, the benefits were minimal. “It was all marketing,” said sneaker collector forums. But wow, did it work. If nothing else, Reebok taught us how to sell confidence, one pump at a time.
8. Nintendo Power Glove: All Hype, No Grip
The Power Glove looked like something out of a sci-fi movie. Slide it on, and you were promised total control of your Nintendo games with just your fingers. In practice? The controls were glitchy, the games didn’t support it well, and you often looked like you were swatting flies. “It was a beautiful disaster,” said Kotaku. But if you owned one, you probably felt like the coolest kid on the block until it actually came time to play.
9. Speak & Spell: Talking Tech for Tiny Fingers
Before Siri or Google, kids had Speak & Spell. Its robotic voice drilled spelling words into your brain, turning education into play. It was considered cutting-edge with its digital voice synthesis and iconic orange body. “It made spelling fun and a little weird,” recalled retro toy reviewers. Sure, it sometimes mispronounced things and the monotone voice could be unsettling. But for ’80s parents, it was a glimpse into tech-based learning with no Wi-Fi needed.
10. Pogo Ball: Bouncing Into Bruises
On the surface, the Pogo Ball looked like harmless fun, a toy that merged hopping with balance skills. In reality, it was more like an injury waiting to happen. The idea was simple: stand on the platform, grip with your feet, and bounce. But it was hard to balance, easy to twist an ankle, and not nearly as fun as it looked. “An orthopedic nightmare,” joked one Buzzfeed comment. Still, every kid tried it, and a scraped knee or two felt like a fair trade for five minutes of glory.
11. SkyDancer Dolls: Pretty, Deadly, and Flying
These winged dolls took flight with a pull of a string and could quickly turn from graceful ballerinas to projectiles of doom. Kids loved watching them soar. Parents loved… well, not so much. “They flew unpredictably and often dangerously,” said the Consumer Product Safety Commission, which recalled them in the early 2000s. Ceiling fans, eyes, pets, nothing was safe. Yet for that one magical launch, it really did feel like toys could fly.
12. Heelys: When Walking Was Just Too Slow
Remember when shoes with wheels were the coolest thing ever? Heelys gave you that one-second thrill of coasting through the school hallway before the teacher yelled at you. They were fun until they weren’t, usually when you hit a bump or forgot how to brake. “The fall-to-fun ratio was pretty high,” one YouTuber admitted. Still, the idea of gliding effortlessly through life was irresistible. And in a way, that captures the ’80s perfectly, hopeful, a bit unhinged, and always chasing the next big thing.
This story 12 Ridiculous Products from the ’80s We All Thought Were the Future was first published on Daily FETCH
