1. “Rock Me Amadeus” – Falco (1986)
Take an Austrian guy rapping in German about Mozart, throw in a bunch of random synth beats, and somehow, you’ve got a #1 hit. “Rock Me Amadeus” is the kind of song that leaves you questioning everything—what is it about? Why does it sound like a karaoke machine short-circuited? And how did this top the charts in the U.S. when half the lyrics were completely incomprehensible? While it may have been catchy in a “what the heck am I listening to?” kind of way, it has aged like milk left out in the sun. Play this for your cat, and they’ll glare at you like you’ve personally offended them.
2. “We Built This City” – Starship (1985)
Few songs are as universally mocked as “We Built This City,” a track that somehow took the #1 spot despite sounding like a corporate jingle on steroids. With its overly polished production, soulless lyrics about “rock and roll” (ironically played on synthesizers), and a completely out-of-place spoken-word radio segment, this song feels like a Frankenstein’s monster of bad ideas. Even Grace Slick, Starship’s own lead singer, later admitted she hated it, proving that even the people involved weren’t sold on its greatness. Critics have repeatedly ranked it among the worst songs of all time, and yet, it still gets played way too often. Play this for your dog, and they’ll assume the house is haunted by the ghost of bad musical decisions.
3. “Mickey” – Toni Basil (1982)
Cheerleading chants should stay on the football field, not be turned into full-length pop songs—but Toni Basil had other plans. “Mickey” is nothing more than a repetitive, clapping-heavy chant about some guy named Mickey, and it somehow became a #1 hit. The song’s aggressively peppy energy makes it feel like it was designed as a form of musical torture, with a chorus that drills into your skull like an earworm from hell. Sure, it’s catchy, but only in the way that a car alarm is—it gets stuck in your head, and you wish it would stop immediately. If you blast this song in your house, don’t be surprised if your dog tries to hide under the couch.
4. “Kokomo” – The Beach Boys (1988)
The Beach Boys made some of the best music of the 1960s, so how they ended up with this in the ’80s is a mystery. “Kokomo” is a lazy attempt at a tropical paradise anthem, complete with cheesy steel drums and lyrics that sound like they were written during a last-minute brainstorming session. Despite its cringeworthy rhymes (“Aruba, Jamaica, ooo I wanna take ya”), it somehow reached #1, proving that even legendary bands aren’t immune to questionable career choices. It’s the kind of song you hear in a bad vacation commercial, not something you willingly put on a playlist. Play this for your pet, and they’ll assume you’re about to leave them for an all-inclusive resort.
5. “Abracadabra” – Steve Miller Band (1982)
Steve Miller Band made some classic rock staples in the ’70s, but “Abracadabra” is not one of them. This song is what happens when a rock band tries to cash in on ’80s synth trends and fails miserably. The lyrics are so lazy they sound like they were written in five minutes—half the song is just the word “Abracadabra” repeated over and over, like some kind of terrible magic spell. It’s neither rock nor pop; it just awkwardly exists in a weird limbo of mediocrity. If you play this for your pet, they’ll probably stare at you like they’re waiting for the trick to be over.
6. “Ghostbusters” – Ray Parker Jr. (1984)
Look, we all love the Ghostbusters movie, but let’s be real—this theme song is not something you want on repeat. It’s catchy in the same way that commercial jingles are catchy, meaning you’ll be singing “Who you gonna call?” against your will for days. Even worse, it was sued for plagiarism because it sounded way too similar to Huey Lewis & The News’ “I Want a New Drug.” It’s fun for nostalgia, sure, but outside of Halloween season, it just feels like an annoying relic of the past. Play this for your pet, and they’ll assume your house is actually haunted.
7. “The Safety Dance” – Men Without Hats (1983)
If ever there were a song that sounds like a malfunctioning robot leading a medieval festival, it’s “The Safety Dance.” This synth-heavy, overly repetitive track reached #1, proving that the ’80s had a soft spot for anything remotely danceable, even if it made no sense. The song itself was allegedly a protest against restrictive club dancing rules, but with its robotic chanting and bizarre music video featuring a jester and a maypole, it’s hard to take seriously. It’s catchy in an “I can’t get this out of my head, please make it stop” kind of way. Play this for your pet, and they’ll probably start spinning in confused circles before giving up and leaving the room.
8. “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” – Bobby McFerrin (1988)
This song is proof that just because something is meant to be uplifting doesn’t mean it’s enjoyable. “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” became the first a cappella song to hit #1, and while its message is all about staying positive, it quickly became the musical equivalent of someone telling you to “just relax” when you’re having a meltdown. The whistling alone is enough to send you into a mild rage, but pair that with McFerrin’s exaggerated, almost cartoonish vocals, and it’s a recipe for instant irritation. Despite its best intentions, this song became a forced-smile anthem that plays endlessly in places like waiting rooms and dentist offices. Your dog might be happy by default, but even they would grow tired of this one after a few minutes.
9. “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” – Wham! (1984)
Look, we all love George Michael, but this is the song that reminds us that even legends can have off days. “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” is what happens when bubblegum pop gets stuck in a sugar-fueled frenzy, complete with nonsense lyrics, high-pitched harmonies, and an overdose of perkiness. It’s so aggressively cheerful that it almost feels like a musical caffeine overdose, and once it’s in your head, there’s no getting it out. It was a massive hit, topping the charts in multiple countries, but it’s also one of those songs you pretend to like while secretly wishing it would stop. Your dog might enjoy the energy for a moment, but after the tenth “jitterbug” reference, even they’d be heading for the nearest exit.
10. “Maniac” – Michael Sembello (1983)
Originally written for Flashdance, “Maniac” sounds less like a song and more like a motivational speech set to a drum machine stuck on overdrive. The frantic tempo and nonsensical lyrics make it feel like a workout video soundtrack that escaped into mainstream music, yet somehow, it hit #1. It was meant to capture the energy of intense passion and drive, but instead, it just sounds like someone trying way too hard to convince you they’re having a good time. While it might have been great for an aerobics class in 1983, listening to it outside of that context is exhausting. If you play this near your pet, they’ll assume you’re trying to train them for the dog Olympics.
